Borrowed Time: Part Two

After a few conversations sparked by my last entry... it seems as if more was needed - or at least expanded upon.

“We are not here to be alone, we are here for community - to create relationships - to make friends, and ultimately, to lose them. The losing part is the only guarantee we have. Its up to us to make the losing worth the while. To make the time we have together a reason to live.”

Loss is the inevitable part of the equation. I think when I write, I think about how I view things, my vantage point of life. I try to understand the world through the small portal hole I’m given. I understand how small and insignificant that viewpoint is, and I challenge it. I challenge the conventionality of our actions. Of the the pitfalls I find myself and those close to me falling into.

So let me spin it this way...

There is a kind of love out there that gives you the courage to make you better than you are, not less than you are. A kind of love that makes you feel like anything is possible. I do not think this kind of love is easily found. I think if we’re patient, persistent, and purposeful, it will be discovered. It can even happen through chance... but rarely do I think it happens over the course of time. I do not think that a love like that evolves. I think it just is. I think that an evolved love develops a respectful and admirable role, I question whether an evolved love can truly, continually challenge us to be better. I think the love we develop for our children can do that. I think that, because a love like that is selfless. A kind of love modeled by Jesus... a kind of love I continually seek.

Now, the second part...

Loss is an important element of love. You can’t have loss - you can’t feel loss, if there was no love in the first place. The more you love someone in the first place, the greater the loss. All great love stories have to, by definition, end in tragedy. We have all experienced loss and the after effects of it. I point out tragedy because of all the things we don’t know, loss is certain. We worry about the “How” and the “When” but all that does is distract us from what really matters: the “now”. If we just accept that at some point things will end, and maintain our energy on the present - how wonderful our lives would be. My point in saying that loss gives us reason to live - seems, well, a bit blah. But I would rather live fully and lose fully, then sit waiting somewhere in the in-between and wonder what if.

Borrowed Time

"... we are forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason... ...we make it our job to move that line - to push each loss as far away as we can."
~ Grey’s Anatomy.

What is interesting about last week’s episode is Meredith talked about the not knowing - and how that was the hardest part. Although the unknown can be the hardest to grasp -to try and understand. The reality is we don’t know. We can only hope. We can only make decisions that will guide us in a direction we think we want to go.

Key word: think.

Our decisions, as fleeting as they are, guide our lives and influence us in ways we can never predict.Those ripples spread far and wide - further than we could ever begin to comprehend.

I watch this episode and I think about those influencing my life. I think about the influence I have on others... and the bottom line is that we are all on borrowed time. We have a gift we’ve been given, and too often we float through it. Like a river’s current carries driftwood downstream, we allow those decisions we’ve made command us - especially those that don’t make us happy, but provide contentment. We accept contentment because we question whether or not we have the courage to make the choices that will bring us true joy. We long for true connections, but fail to follow through because of what might happen. What might be.

It all comes back to the unknown.

So what do we do? We must... I must take this time that has been given to me and use it, by sharing the other gifts I’ve been granted. To invest in others selflessly, to support and encourage. To be an apostle, a teacher, and a friend. I know all those I involve intricately in my life will be lost. I understand the inevitability of endings. Especially the unexpected ones - the ones that hurt so bad that leave us confused and lost. But if I were to focus on that predetermined ending, I question whether I would have the ability to enjoy today and to have the courage to make something memorable and wonderful.

That is something we must do. Fight. Beat the odds that life continually reminds us are against us. To live in this world, but not be of this world. To continually find greatness in the simple things. We are not here to be alone, we are here for community - to create relationships - to make friends, and ultimately, to lose them. The losing part is the only guarantee we have. Its up to us to make the losing worth the while. To make the time we have together a reason to live.

91 and Counting

Okay, my disclaimer first for all those out there reading. I'm not looking, not interested, and not found wanting... but this is entertaining.

In the last few days dating back to Thursday, my Yahoo personal page has got I-kid-U-not: 91 hits. I've had my yahoo personal page for probably two years. I'm a casual user who doesn't do much with it. In fact, I haven't tried to use it as a way to meet someone in about 6-7 months. Its become something of a curiosity. I log in to see who's checking me out. And in the span of two years, I think I've had a total of maybe ninety people check out my profile. and no more than seven in a given week. I think seven is good. Until now...

Well the stars must be in line, or something crazy because since thursday (I have to say it again) 91 clicks to my page and somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 messages in my inbox...

Now don't let the numbers confuse you. The odds are definitely good... but the goods are a bit odd.

so far some of the latest headlines are:

minnesota nice

- someone forgot to tell her MN nice, really isn't that nice!

looking for a guy like U

- U don't know me yet.

looking for someone special

cool... but seen this one like a dozen times.

(reads a book in waiting room) 'sigh'

- what book is so exciting that a: you sigh, and b: you put it in your headline... definitely not warranting any attention.

looking for love in all the wrong places

- is that something you want to advertise?

beautiful girl waiting for commitment

- thats like showing up for a blind date with a promise ring.

this is the best one today:

willing to lie about how we met

--like it, because I understand how meeting someone online may be taboo... but really?!? :)

Okay, so mine (no parachutes or safety nets here) isn't the best. But I stayed away from the: Hi-nice-guy-looking-for-my-number-one-special-are-you-out-there-one-more-click-type-of-girl. I mean really. If you want to meet, either get a glamour shot, b/c most of them need one, or find something that peaks interest. Most don't... go figure. I think I'm going to change my next tagline to: "if you don't want my worst, you don't deserve my best" May not be the best one but its definitely better than:

Last item on the clearance rack?

Truth

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. ~Galileo Galilei

Nothing goes unsaid more than the thoughts we carry around in hope that someday a right time might accompany them. While we sort through those very thoughts of what could be; while we look for answers to questions we have yet to ask; while we search the dark places of our soul, one thing always finds itself rising to the top.

We bend it and break it. Its hard, tough, and real. We hide from it, we fight and struggle with it. It is often inconvenient, unavoidable and constant. Its unshakeable presence proves those listening can barely hear its soft whisper, yet at the same time loud enough to make it absolutely impossible to ignore. There are few things in this world as constant and few things have more influence upon our lives.

There’s something about truth that makes it, well, the truth. Its continually tugging at your coat tales, a frequent reminder of its unwavering existence. We sit determined to understand its purpose. To know why, or how, or by what means. It lingers in our character, reveals itself to our darker side. It doesn’t matter how we may suppress or keep it hidden. The truth will surface. its quite remarkable, beautiful, and truly phenomenal. Regardless what we think we want, or convinced ourself of certain needs, the truth in our character becomes unfailing, and grows louder as time passes. Because of its nature, the harder we try to disregard, the louder and more obvious it becomes. We must remain honest with ourselves, in our character, who we are made to be, and what we are to become.

next best thing

I feel broken... I feel empty.... There is a longing in my soul that yearns to be fed. In my heart I know where to find the source that will satisfy, but its almost as I'm resisting--afraid of what might be. Afraid of where the road will lead. Its as if by hiding I create in my subconscious further opportunity for the earthly desires I look for. And by constructing these walls around my heart, around my head, I'm keeping myself from the growth I long for deep within myself. The growth that can only happen through complete submittal. I know this, and I'm trying to let go, to move on, to find fulfillment. But it seems that I've been granted a preview of what is to come. A taste, an idea, an opportunity to see what God has planned for me. And instead of allowing myself to prepare for His vision, I hold on---hoping that the best hasn't passed me by.

The thing is I'm not upset or angry or confused or bitter. I just am. I'm just present, patiently practicing patience, trying to stay open and prepared. but for me, right now in this moment, the next moment can't get here soon enough.

action

Its not whether you love someone, everyone loves someone and that doesn't change anything. Its in your actions. What you feel only matters to you. its what you do for the people you say you love. That's what matters, that is the only thing that counts. In how you honor the one you love. How you will do what it takes... not giving up and letting the chips fall where they lay. Being honest, having courage, resisting temptation, getting up, showing integrity, bearing congruency and being willing to forgive. These are steps, these are challenges. It requires that we look away from the mirror and on to something else... someone else.

Repetition

Repetition is the mother of skill. Through practice we develop certain skills that help foster talent. But the great thing about the development process, is that we are allowed to make mistakes, learn from them, and move forward with new opportunities. Opportunities that will lead to greatness...

Lately I've had to field some question on the history of my relationships. The most interesting part of this is that under quote-on-quote "normal" circumstances, these things don't necessarily come up. The question of the previous-said slash previous-feeling is somewhat new to me. And honestly I bring it on myself. Although I feel I come by it honestly, I get it. I do, I get it. How can I be sincere, how is it that certain feelings can appear repetitious? How can the excitement of something new come across in a manner that appears to be so much more?

I'll just pose one question to you before I go on. Have you ever in your experiences felt you were in love, and then in retrospect realized that it was masked by some other emotion or feeling? Or perhaps you thought you were traveling down one road only to realize you were on a completely different one, in a completely different place?

Personally, I haven't ever used the term without being in complete congruence of the definition. Even after looking back, I can honestly say that when I decided to love, it was true, it was honest. BUT, I have looked back at some relationships that I thought were headed in that direction and realized I had been fooled. I had been crawling through some desert long enough that the mirage looked real. Dramatic I know... but I think once we experience something great, we can't wait to find it again.

So... back to the issue :) I walk into anything new with fresh eyes. No lingering pain, no hesitation, no fear of getting hurt. I approach every relationship with one primary vision, and that is to view this person as a sister in Christ. And to provide the opportunity to develop into what God has planned for me. In the past, I have confused this desire for something great with the process of learning about someone. And although I hate to admit, I have made mistakes. I will always choose to fail over not trying. Can you fault me for that?

I'm starting to ramble... the point is this: I learn from my mistakes. Yes, I've said and felt things that have passed. Some faster than others. But what I am now realizing is how lack-luster those things were. Not to take any of it away from the relationship, but there is a reason those are history... and will stay that way. I've found that through self reflection and devotion, that none of this will compare to the woman God has prepared for me. What is important is that He has prepared my heart for someone special. He has done this primarily through the mistakes that I have made. I cannot regret, for it has brought me to something wonderful, something beautiful. It has brought be to today. But if I do not learn from those experiences, my wheels sit spinning.

My desire is to move forward. To grow, to be challenged, to create, to love and to be loved. I desire greatness. Greatness for myself and the person God will provide for me. Through the repetition of my failures, I have found what I have always desired. And through those mistakes God has helped shape me. He has shown me resilience and patience, and creativity in otherwise mundane circumstances. I truly believe that the 'mistakes' that I have been granted have prepared me for someone special, someone I hope to spend my life with, someone I desire to create in her all the things she provides for me...

Brown Penny

"Romantic" by definition is "imaginary but impractical, visionary". . . has romance left the scene, is it something that is often referred to in a past tense, something not of this age? Is it something in this day in age where any gesture would fall under ridicule simply because the mere impression of it lacks integrity or is it that we are so caught up in our day to day business...that we fail to enjoy the simple things we so easily overlook. I'm thinking of this in a very broad sense of course, however, I would consider myself a person who may fall within this category. I sometimes I wonder if the current day has catered so much to the immediate gratification that some of the magic has been lost.

I'm beginning to wonder if this rant has a point....

...honestly I don't know...should it? What I do know is things don't seem as simple as they once were. We live in a cynical world so full of "HR" the mere idea of the possibility of offending people seems to ruffle so many feathers that rarely are any chances taken. I don't want to send the impression that the HR portion of our world in useless or not needed...it is. But what I'm getting to is that the world that has so many possibilities...so much "vision," a place where impractical becomes reality...that often times we don't take chances..we don't step outside our box. We hesitate, we don't say what we mean. We keep it inside. Romance often leads to the stepping out...the chances we take...especially when it comes to love.

It seems that we can't truly experience what love has to offer unless we first experience the hurt, and at the same time allow ourselves to heal so that we can begin the journey once more. Or, we seem to time and time again sabotage those relationships that could mean something because of a fear. Because it may be too good to be true.

I whispered, "i am too young,"
and then, "I am old enough;"
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love

"Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair."
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love.

Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

Three Wonderful Words

Three words. No more no less. We dance around them, we're afraid of them, yet at the same time we long to hear them. And when we do, its music to our ears. When we realize that we love someone, trying to find the best way to say it, or the right time seems to be as ever elusive as the "perfect" person. But thats what is so funny. Because when we realize we're in love, is when we realize that the person we want to tell is, well, perfect. At least perfect for us. That person that seems to balance us out, cover our weaknesses, somehow change our perspective to realize what life could be... or at least find its meaning. The thing is this: we don't love the people we love because they're perfect. We love the people we love because they are.

We say it too much, we don't say it enough, we long to hear it, we're afraid of what it could mean... all of this energy spent on trying to understand the most simple, yet most complex emotion known as love. Some people fall easy, others more guarded and spend more time trying to analize every moment, every feeling, wanting to be sure. Sometimes it passes us by, other times it slams into us like a sixteen-wheeler at full bore. There are no rules, there is no manual or how-to for love. Every story is in itself unique and its own way, amazingly breathtaking.

Real love, true love has no limits. It will wait, it will forgive, it will last for eternity. It will give everything for its survival, for its longevity, for an opportunity to grow further. Its generousity will give when it has nothing to give.... it will especially give time.

So when I think about saying those three words: I love you. For me it isn't momentary, it isn't something fleeting. its something real... its something I desire to uphold, to share, to encourage, to create...

...and to celebrate

Dreaming with a hoping heart

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
The waiting becomes the hardest part
Suddenly the calendar becomes a measurement
Where timing plays the part of commitment

Is she really here with me?
Does she desire what I will be?
No she doesn't, because she can't
she's afraid, she's scared, she's hesitant

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
And waiting on love is the hardest part
Caught between pushing on and turning away
Intentions to guard my heart become the only way

Is she really here with me?
Does she desire what I will be?
No she doesn't, because she can't
She's afraid, she's scared, she's hesitant

Walking the line between being broken and being completely fulfilled.
Its a walk of faith, one only of the strong-willed.
While my heart is at odds with conventional wisdom
She wants nothing but to experience some freedom

Falling asleep only to wake up with more question
Waking up afraid of what things to mention
Do I have to fall asleep with hope-filled hands?
Is it something that I can continue to withstand?

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
The waiting becomes the hardest part.