next best thing

I feel broken... I feel empty.... There is a longing in my soul that yearns to be fed. In my heart I know where to find the source that will satisfy, but its almost as I'm resisting--afraid of what might be. Afraid of where the road will lead. Its as if by hiding I create in my subconscious further opportunity for the earthly desires I look for. And by constructing these walls around my heart, around my head, I'm keeping myself from the growth I long for deep within myself. The growth that can only happen through complete submittal. I know this, and I'm trying to let go, to move on, to find fulfillment. But it seems that I've been granted a preview of what is to come. A taste, an idea, an opportunity to see what God has planned for me. And instead of allowing myself to prepare for His vision, I hold on---hoping that the best hasn't passed me by.

The thing is I'm not upset or angry or confused or bitter. I just am. I'm just present, patiently practicing patience, trying to stay open and prepared. but for me, right now in this moment, the next moment can't get here soon enough.

If

If I would have created the word procrastinate, its definition would mirror the activities of my day today.

And as motivated as I claim to be, the days that I am not continue to surprise me.
Tomorrow must be better...

snap, crackle, pop

This weekend is big. really big. My father has been officially inaugurated as president, and many festivities have and will follow. One of which followed the ceremony was a reception and ball. It has been wonderful so far. I've seen a lot of friends and family, met many people and overall have had a wonderful time... until I broke her fingers.

Yes, I broke some student's finger or fingers. It could be a simple dislocation, however... from what I saw, felt and heard. I'm pretty sure they're broken. You're probably wondering how...let me paint a picture: we were dancing. yes we were cuttin-some-rug, but to be honest, I'd danced with her earlier in the evening, and our rhythm's didn't quite match up. Not to say she didn't have any, or couldn't dance, but it required a little more effort to blend with how she moved.

She had tracked me down to dance, it was later in the evening, so much drinking had taken place. I remember earlier, while dancing, that she was prone to slip and fall. I don't know if it was her shoes, her, or some other element. But I was taking that into consideration while dancing with her... That being said, as I turned her, I felt her fall and I tightened up to keep her from hitting the ground. Well, apparently she did the same thing... next thing I felt and heard was a pop-pop-pop. Her hand in mine, her fingers snapped and crackled... I dropped to the floor, she began to try and reset her fingers when I stopped her and helped her off the dance floor. She refused to go the ER, and decided to tough it out until she could go to the school the next day and get x-rayed. A splint was put on, a few shots were taken, and my ego was bruised. What are the chances?

Thirteen going on...

Today, I found myself killing time and being drawn into a movie on tv. 13 going on 30 to be more specific. And right on the heals of not only taking a trip down memory lane, looking at old pictures from high school age activities and filling out some survey about whether or not I would go back to those days. I wouldn't want to, at least I don't think I would really want to. Why would I want to change who I am today? But watching that stirred some thought, and some emotion. Not because I wish I could change things about the past, but think about how simple things can be versus how complex we make them. We push and we pull, we deceive, we try to create opportunity by playing games with those we care about. Not all things we do are negative, but almost always, it seems we're not completely honest. We're not honest with ourselves, we seem to fear the thing we desire most. This, of course is all, speculation...

I think the thing we long most for is a connection. With a particular person or group or idea. We long to dive deep into a relationships knowing that sharing an experience makes that experience worth while and meaningful. i mean, if we're not here for community, what is our purpose?

The Clock Has Struck 12...

As I look at this glass slipper I'm holding, I know she's out there. I know that as I look at my reflection tilting the slipper from side to side, I begin to wonder if I'm ready, truly ready, for the woman God is preparing me for. I know that I may not be the man He continues to challenge me to become. I am persistently patient, anxious, and excited. It's past midnight and I stand in reflection on the proverbial steps of life; I'm okay with waiting. I'm accepting that God has something wonderful prepared for me, and when I become ready, He will present opportunity in a way He deems fitting.

Its not that I'm wondering why or when or how, but its more along the lines of whether I'm worth what this slipper represents. I'd like to think that I emulate these prince-like qualities; I'm realizing more and more that I am not the man I am going to be. As I bow my head on bended knee, I realize that God is at work in my life. I stand, look up and smile, and with gratitude, I know good works are occurring.

I know that there are experiences I can only pursue with Him as a single man. And He knows me better than I could ever know myself. Knowing that I desire more than anything to be a loving husband and father, in large part to better understand His love for me. I think that as Christians, by having our own children and loving them beyond what can be expressed helps us to understand how He loves and cares for us. I feel that step -- building a family -- creates in us opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with God. Not only does He want that for us; He continues to prepare us for when the time will be right.

As I continue to pursue with a single heart, I look forward for the fitting.. For the woman that God is preparing for me. And when the time is right, when the moment comes, I will love and honor God by loving and honoring her.

'Oh-Seven'

A lot has happened in the past year. Many, many surprises. Some good, some not so good, but in the end its brought me to today, and today is a good day.

I've been thinking about what to focus on this year, what should be my resolution for 2007. I've realized that what I need, what I desire most is to simplify. To get back to the basics and to focus on the things that matter most. Its not about what I need to achieve or accomplish...its not about accolades. I need to drop some weight, shed some all the stuff that continues to drag me down. I need to focus on the guts, the heart of the matter...I need to give of myself to others, my time and my talents. I need to be patient, to wait on God. I need to be a witness and a warrior in His name. To continue to be filled with gratitude, and continue to give all that I can. I desire to build a stronger relationship.... I desire to fulfill His will.

So what does this mean... It means that I will continue to be still, continue to use the time borrowed to me to the best of my abilities. And I will be thankful... and full of grace.

I kick 'Oh-Seven' off with an expectation for growth and courage.

NYE Debacle

I had made a commitment to go to an 80's themed party, which to be honest, I was super excited for, I also had been invited to another friends, which I know would have been great fun. So I apologize greatly to you two for not coming... but maybe its karma, because here is what my night ended up looking like:

There's really one reason why I decided to go where I did. The weather. I know, poor excuse, but I have a rear wheel drive vehicle, and my roommate was convincing me to attend his friends party, so I figured it would be safer and less driving if we just went out together. So off we went. We got there, and it was pretty quiet initially, and most of the people of were expected didn't show because of previous said reason. I can't fault them, but I at least ventured somewhere.... so pretty lame. But the tone of the night was set about 20 minutes into the party when a group of guys, 7 or so, started coming through the back door. One of the guys was swearing, the others were laughing and prodding.. whatever, I did what I shouldn't have done. I went to see what the deal was. As the guy walked in, he puckered up and asked for a kiss... I turned my cheek, kissed me, but unsatisfied demanded that I kiss him on the lips... WTF--Stupid drunk gay people... for real. But, I figured just to get it over with, what the hell... I gave him his peck, then he pursued to ask if I was gay... go figure. We had eleven queens in the house and only two of them were actually of the female sex. That should have been my sign right there to leave... We ended up playing a drinking game, and Texas hold-em. It wasn't my night to play cards either. My first hand I went all in with pocket aces, and got my ass handed to me by a guy holding a three -card. Whatever... the next game I came back and had three-quarter of the chips when my roommate (because his recent girl was calling) decided to continue to go all in.... The chump drew 4 pairs in a row, not to mention a jack/king... and he beat me on pocket aces. It was not my night for cards. And the only action I got was from a some drunk drama queen bitching about his sterling silver chain getting wet in the snow.

But I did manage to avoid another kissing queen. After counting down, one of the guys was making his rounds, after kissing my roommate (which I found pretty entertaining), he leaned over to kiss me, before I could react, he slipped and fell behind the chair dumping is drink all over himself. That was funny... but by the time he gathered himself, he had aborted said mission to go clean up.

While driving home, Matt and I decided that was the wrong party to attend. So next year. There is always next year. Three hundred sixty-four more days before a new-year's redemption.