Borrowed Time: Part Two

After a few conversations sparked by my last entry... it seems as if more was needed - or at least expanded upon.

“We are not here to be alone, we are here for community - to create relationships - to make friends, and ultimately, to lose them. The losing part is the only guarantee we have. Its up to us to make the losing worth the while. To make the time we have together a reason to live.”

Loss is the inevitable part of the equation. I think when I write, I think about how I view things, my vantage point of life. I try to understand the world through the small portal hole I’m given. I understand how small and insignificant that viewpoint is, and I challenge it. I challenge the conventionality of our actions. Of the the pitfalls I find myself and those close to me falling into.

So let me spin it this way...

There is a kind of love out there that gives you the courage to make you better than you are, not less than you are. A kind of love that makes you feel like anything is possible. I do not think this kind of love is easily found. I think if we’re patient, persistent, and purposeful, it will be discovered. It can even happen through chance... but rarely do I think it happens over the course of time. I do not think that a love like that evolves. I think it just is. I think that an evolved love develops a respectful and admirable role, I question whether an evolved love can truly, continually challenge us to be better. I think the love we develop for our children can do that. I think that, because a love like that is selfless. A kind of love modeled by Jesus... a kind of love I continually seek.

Now, the second part...

Loss is an important element of love. You can’t have loss - you can’t feel loss, if there was no love in the first place. The more you love someone in the first place, the greater the loss. All great love stories have to, by definition, end in tragedy. We have all experienced loss and the after effects of it. I point out tragedy because of all the things we don’t know, loss is certain. We worry about the “How” and the “When” but all that does is distract us from what really matters: the “now”. If we just accept that at some point things will end, and maintain our energy on the present - how wonderful our lives would be. My point in saying that loss gives us reason to live - seems, well, a bit blah. But I would rather live fully and lose fully, then sit waiting somewhere in the in-between and wonder what if.

Borrowed Time

"... we are forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason... ...we make it our job to move that line - to push each loss as far away as we can."
~ Grey’s Anatomy.

What is interesting about last week’s episode is Meredith talked about the not knowing - and how that was the hardest part. Although the unknown can be the hardest to grasp -to try and understand. The reality is we don’t know. We can only hope. We can only make decisions that will guide us in a direction we think we want to go.

Key word: think.

Our decisions, as fleeting as they are, guide our lives and influence us in ways we can never predict.Those ripples spread far and wide - further than we could ever begin to comprehend.

I watch this episode and I think about those influencing my life. I think about the influence I have on others... and the bottom line is that we are all on borrowed time. We have a gift we’ve been given, and too often we float through it. Like a river’s current carries driftwood downstream, we allow those decisions we’ve made command us - especially those that don’t make us happy, but provide contentment. We accept contentment because we question whether or not we have the courage to make the choices that will bring us true joy. We long for true connections, but fail to follow through because of what might happen. What might be.

It all comes back to the unknown.

So what do we do? We must... I must take this time that has been given to me and use it, by sharing the other gifts I’ve been granted. To invest in others selflessly, to support and encourage. To be an apostle, a teacher, and a friend. I know all those I involve intricately in my life will be lost. I understand the inevitability of endings. Especially the unexpected ones - the ones that hurt so bad that leave us confused and lost. But if I were to focus on that predetermined ending, I question whether I would have the ability to enjoy today and to have the courage to make something memorable and wonderful.

That is something we must do. Fight. Beat the odds that life continually reminds us are against us. To live in this world, but not be of this world. To continually find greatness in the simple things. We are not here to be alone, we are here for community - to create relationships - to make friends, and ultimately, to lose them. The losing part is the only guarantee we have. Its up to us to make the losing worth the while. To make the time we have together a reason to live.

Truth

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. ~Galileo Galilei

Nothing goes unsaid more than the thoughts we carry around in hope that someday a right time might accompany them. While we sort through those very thoughts of what could be; while we look for answers to questions we have yet to ask; while we search the dark places of our soul, one thing always finds itself rising to the top.

We bend it and break it. Its hard, tough, and real. We hide from it, we fight and struggle with it. It is often inconvenient, unavoidable and constant. Its unshakeable presence proves those listening can barely hear its soft whisper, yet at the same time loud enough to make it absolutely impossible to ignore. There are few things in this world as constant and few things have more influence upon our lives.

There’s something about truth that makes it, well, the truth. Its continually tugging at your coat tales, a frequent reminder of its unwavering existence. We sit determined to understand its purpose. To know why, or how, or by what means. It lingers in our character, reveals itself to our darker side. It doesn’t matter how we may suppress or keep it hidden. The truth will surface. its quite remarkable, beautiful, and truly phenomenal. Regardless what we think we want, or convinced ourself of certain needs, the truth in our character becomes unfailing, and grows louder as time passes. Because of its nature, the harder we try to disregard, the louder and more obvious it becomes. We must remain honest with ourselves, in our character, who we are made to be, and what we are to become.

So here I find myself in Packer-Garb. Some say I should feel honored to wear such a hallowed Jersey, but personally, not feeling the love. Most of you know I've grown up as a Viking fan. Even though my team is something to be desired, (five wins this year would probably be considered a success) I've still got that purple pride. So why? The reason... I lost a bet. And being the good sport I am, trekked over to the local Khols, grabbed the most convenient green and gold ensemble, and started snapping pictures. Well, one was all that was needed for posterity. Take a good look, you won't see it again!

Stillness

I sit here. I'm forcing myself to sit here, to think, to reflect, to try and have it make sense. I don't want to. What I want to do is something else, anything else. I want something to do or I want nothing. Its odd, how when you're required to face something you didn't think was going to happen -- you have two desires. How opposite those things are, one is to fill your day with so much that you don't think about it, the other, to sit and do absolutely nothing. Create emptiness, because for some reason it's the only thing that makes sense. I'm choosing to do what's uncomfortable. I sit here in reflection, understanding that its just a bend in the road, that the song isn't over. I'm hoping that this pause will only last a moment -- because in the moment I'm currently living in, it already feels too long.

"...sigh..."

Time, I shake my fist at you because you've seem to have gotten the better of me. I beat you once, I forced your hand... and you stopped. That day was mine. This day belongs to you. I submit to you with grace. With that I accept your challenge. I will wait for the right moment... perhaps after the strike of midnight, I will find a glass slipper, but tonight... tonight is not that night.

Tonight, however, is that bend in the road which becomes a corner I must take. It will be a turn in the right direction. That direction is up. You don't find 'up" on a compass, its not north, but directly up... heavenly up. Its amusing that we must find the foundation of which we stand above us. But He is my rock, my... everything. I know in my heart, He holds the interests of the ones I Care so much about, as well as my own... above all earthly things. He has a way of taking the worldly desire out of focus... and bringing the lens back to Him. Tonight he does this with the emphasis on improvement, the emphasis on taking a step towards Him. I do this without hesitation.

Tomorrow I will begin to wait. In honor, in respect, in reverence, and in love. I will wait because He has provided a trailer for the real thing. I've been given a preview of what may come. So I wait, oddly enough with a sense of urgency. I wait because it is His will... and waiting is an opportunity grow, to prepare, and to love.

I will be still.

Movie Night

So...most of you who know me, know that I'm a sap...I mean, there are few times when watching any movie where I haven't cried! We all know I'm a sucker for love stories....but last night I went the the Exorcism of Emily Rose.

I loved it...I mean it had its moments that made you jump...but towards the end of the movie, i was unexpectedly in tears. Go figure...I go to some horror flick to end of crying. but the thing is...it really wasn't that much of a horror flick, at least what I took from it. The movie is based on the story of Emily Rose; her demonic possession and the fight between good and evil taking place within her. At some point in the movie, Emily is given the opportunity to leave her body and enter into heaven or to stay on earth, knowing she would suffer greatly, but in doing so would bring others to God.

What really hits home is, I hope that if I were in a similar position, I would have the strength to do the same thing. To walk the walk...to know the outcome, something that I wouldn't want, and yet continue to endure whatever pain for the greater good...for God.

In my heart I think I could...but my head challenges my idealism.

Morals and beliefs only mean something when its inconvenient...not when convenience paves a path for them to stand upon.

Dreaming with a hoping heart

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
The waiting becomes the hardest part
Suddenly the calendar becomes a measurement
Where timing plays the part of commitment

Is she really here with me?
Does she desire what I will be?
No she doesn't, because she can't
she's afraid, she's scared, she's hesitant

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
And waiting on love is the hardest part
Caught between pushing on and turning away
Intentions to guard my heart become the only way

Is she really here with me?
Does she desire what I will be?
No she doesn't, because she can't
She's afraid, she's scared, she's hesitant

Walking the line between being broken and being completely fulfilled.
Its a walk of faith, one only of the strong-willed.
While my heart is at odds with conventional wisdom
She wants nothing but to experience some freedom

Falling asleep only to wake up with more question
Waking up afraid of what things to mention
Do I have to fall asleep with hope-filled hands?
Is it something that I can continue to withstand?

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
The waiting becomes the hardest part.