I Dare You.

My mind is elsewhere tonight. its somewhere away from where it needs to be. The thing is, I like where it is. I just can't seem to focus long enough to do the things that require my attention. As Dodger sits on my shoulder, I sit here in a place of excitement, curiosity, and anticipation.

I have two roads in front of me. One I've been looking at for a long time. The other is one that is more familiar, safer, well traveled. Shall I continue down the pavement of expectations or do I dare to make this dream a reality. I like dares, dares challenge us, make us uncomfortable, and force us to grow. A dare can create opportunities never before imagined. A dare, or in some cases the dreaded double dare, has the nerve to scare us. To keep us from acting... but the whole premise is to force us to act; to make the uncommon choice that could take us to a most unfamiliar place. Rarely do I regret taking a dare. I cannot remember a time where I a came out of one worse off...

Which leads me to the road less traveled. This road holds curiosities and challenges of its own. This road is looking me in the eye saying: "I Dare you..."

I accept.

Borrowed Time: Part Two

After a few conversations sparked by my last entry... it seems as if more was needed - or at least expanded upon.

“We are not here to be alone, we are here for community - to create relationships - to make friends, and ultimately, to lose them. The losing part is the only guarantee we have. Its up to us to make the losing worth the while. To make the time we have together a reason to live.”

Loss is the inevitable part of the equation. I think when I write, I think about how I view things, my vantage point of life. I try to understand the world through the small portal hole I’m given. I understand how small and insignificant that viewpoint is, and I challenge it. I challenge the conventionality of our actions. Of the the pitfalls I find myself and those close to me falling into.

So let me spin it this way...

There is a kind of love out there that gives you the courage to make you better than you are, not less than you are. A kind of love that makes you feel like anything is possible. I do not think this kind of love is easily found. I think if we’re patient, persistent, and purposeful, it will be discovered. It can even happen through chance... but rarely do I think it happens over the course of time. I do not think that a love like that evolves. I think it just is. I think that an evolved love develops a respectful and admirable role, I question whether an evolved love can truly, continually challenge us to be better. I think the love we develop for our children can do that. I think that, because a love like that is selfless. A kind of love modeled by Jesus... a kind of love I continually seek.

Now, the second part...

Loss is an important element of love. You can’t have loss - you can’t feel loss, if there was no love in the first place. The more you love someone in the first place, the greater the loss. All great love stories have to, by definition, end in tragedy. We have all experienced loss and the after effects of it. I point out tragedy because of all the things we don’t know, loss is certain. We worry about the “How” and the “When” but all that does is distract us from what really matters: the “now”. If we just accept that at some point things will end, and maintain our energy on the present - how wonderful our lives would be. My point in saying that loss gives us reason to live - seems, well, a bit blah. But I would rather live fully and lose fully, then sit waiting somewhere in the in-between and wonder what if.

Borrowed Time

"... we are forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason... ...we make it our job to move that line - to push each loss as far away as we can."
~ Grey’s Anatomy.

What is interesting about last week’s episode is Meredith talked about the not knowing - and how that was the hardest part. Although the unknown can be the hardest to grasp -to try and understand. The reality is we don’t know. We can only hope. We can only make decisions that will guide us in a direction we think we want to go.

Key word: think.

Our decisions, as fleeting as they are, guide our lives and influence us in ways we can never predict.Those ripples spread far and wide - further than we could ever begin to comprehend.

I watch this episode and I think about those influencing my life. I think about the influence I have on others... and the bottom line is that we are all on borrowed time. We have a gift we’ve been given, and too often we float through it. Like a river’s current carries driftwood downstream, we allow those decisions we’ve made command us - especially those that don’t make us happy, but provide contentment. We accept contentment because we question whether or not we have the courage to make the choices that will bring us true joy. We long for true connections, but fail to follow through because of what might happen. What might be.

It all comes back to the unknown.

So what do we do? We must... I must take this time that has been given to me and use it, by sharing the other gifts I’ve been granted. To invest in others selflessly, to support and encourage. To be an apostle, a teacher, and a friend. I know all those I involve intricately in my life will be lost. I understand the inevitability of endings. Especially the unexpected ones - the ones that hurt so bad that leave us confused and lost. But if I were to focus on that predetermined ending, I question whether I would have the ability to enjoy today and to have the courage to make something memorable and wonderful.

That is something we must do. Fight. Beat the odds that life continually reminds us are against us. To live in this world, but not be of this world. To continually find greatness in the simple things. We are not here to be alone, we are here for community - to create relationships - to make friends, and ultimately, to lose them. The losing part is the only guarantee we have. Its up to us to make the losing worth the while. To make the time we have together a reason to live.

next best thing

I feel broken... I feel empty.... There is a longing in my soul that yearns to be fed. In my heart I know where to find the source that will satisfy, but its almost as I'm resisting--afraid of what might be. Afraid of where the road will lead. Its as if by hiding I create in my subconscious further opportunity for the earthly desires I look for. And by constructing these walls around my heart, around my head, I'm keeping myself from the growth I long for deep within myself. The growth that can only happen through complete submittal. I know this, and I'm trying to let go, to move on, to find fulfillment. But it seems that I've been granted a preview of what is to come. A taste, an idea, an opportunity to see what God has planned for me. And instead of allowing myself to prepare for His vision, I hold on---hoping that the best hasn't passed me by.

The thing is I'm not upset or angry or confused or bitter. I just am. I'm just present, patiently practicing patience, trying to stay open and prepared. but for me, right now in this moment, the next moment can't get here soon enough.

Stillness

I sit here. I'm forcing myself to sit here, to think, to reflect, to try and have it make sense. I don't want to. What I want to do is something else, anything else. I want something to do or I want nothing. Its odd, how when you're required to face something you didn't think was going to happen -- you have two desires. How opposite those things are, one is to fill your day with so much that you don't think about it, the other, to sit and do absolutely nothing. Create emptiness, because for some reason it's the only thing that makes sense. I'm choosing to do what's uncomfortable. I sit here in reflection, understanding that its just a bend in the road, that the song isn't over. I'm hoping that this pause will only last a moment -- because in the moment I'm currently living in, it already feels too long.

"...sigh..."

Time, I shake my fist at you because you've seem to have gotten the better of me. I beat you once, I forced your hand... and you stopped. That day was mine. This day belongs to you. I submit to you with grace. With that I accept your challenge. I will wait for the right moment... perhaps after the strike of midnight, I will find a glass slipper, but tonight... tonight is not that night.

Tonight, however, is that bend in the road which becomes a corner I must take. It will be a turn in the right direction. That direction is up. You don't find 'up" on a compass, its not north, but directly up... heavenly up. Its amusing that we must find the foundation of which we stand above us. But He is my rock, my... everything. I know in my heart, He holds the interests of the ones I Care so much about, as well as my own... above all earthly things. He has a way of taking the worldly desire out of focus... and bringing the lens back to Him. Tonight he does this with the emphasis on improvement, the emphasis on taking a step towards Him. I do this without hesitation.

Tomorrow I will begin to wait. In honor, in respect, in reverence, and in love. I will wait because He has provided a trailer for the real thing. I've been given a preview of what may come. So I wait, oddly enough with a sense of urgency. I wait because it is His will... and waiting is an opportunity grow, to prepare, and to love.

I will be still.

Moments

What are we defined by? Is it our accomplishments? The things that we do for others to see? Do we perform in ways in public which define us? Is it how we want to be perceived or is it something more? The more that I'm thinking about... at least I'm beginning to think it is are much smaller moments. Moments of truth, behind the doors away from those we want to impress, in the shadows where we are most vulnerable, to those who know us, or those we want to know us. The look in someone's eye. Their breath on your neck. The way you feel when the one you love smiles. These small seemingly unimpressive moments define who we shall be. Away from the cameras and out of the spotlight. Celebrity in a lot of ways is fictional. It is the mask for the general public to buy into or at the very least to believe in. And I know there are some extremely wonderful leaders with great renown... but that all started with something small. Some momentary truth to guide them. A commitment to an idea or vision, the realization that by themselves they stand still... that no man is an island. What are those defining moments? What do we expect of ourselves? What sparks the growth? The challenge? The motivation?

I realized close to ten years ago that I had a desire to be seen a certain way. For example; I wanted others to see me as "a good christian boy". So, I would choose to read my bible where others could see me... and not only that, but where they would have to see me. I came to terms that what I was doing and what I was portraying were contradicting. And at that moment, decided that any time in study would be behind closed doors--to ensure that my purpose was not jaded. That was hard for me to do... because growing up, so much of what you want is to be perceived one way or another.

I've approached my relationships the same way. Knowing I want true love, I will not settle or allow mediocrity. It takes a lot for me to face the truth about a relationship, and realize whether its "good for now" or really 'the one". There is comfort in companionship; in having someone by your side. I've had to really dig deep when faced with a comfortable-companion vs. the-love-of-my-life-that-will-take-me-places-never-imagined.

So what moments really define us? I think its the small, little, unannounced moments that take us places we want to be. It's the decisions we make behind closed doors that make us extraordinary and one to be reckoned with. It's the moment when you look into a lover's eyes and know without saying that there is no other place in the world you'd rather be. I know what moments make or break my day---little does it have to do with perception. The make or break happens in the congruency of my reflection. It happens when I look into the eyes of the person I admire most. When I see a smile of someone I long for. These are the moments worth living... They are the definition of who we are and what we value.