action

Its not whether you love someone, everyone loves someone and that doesn't change anything. Its in your actions. What you feel only matters to you. its what you do for the people you say you love. That's what matters, that is the only thing that counts. In how you honor the one you love. How you will do what it takes... not giving up and letting the chips fall where they lay. Being honest, having courage, resisting temptation, getting up, showing integrity, bearing congruency and being willing to forgive. These are steps, these are challenges. It requires that we look away from the mirror and on to something else... someone else.

Rocky

Last week I went to Rocky Balboa, When I was watching it, I couldn't help but think about Sly's real story. It is the story of Rocky. In the movie, Rocky is telling his son about how Life will beat you down, how it will continue to hit you hard to keep you there. And no-matter how hard life cuts you down you just have to keep getting up. And through that process, you will find out what you're made of and who you really are.
Throughout this movie, i was thinking of Sly's story. Most of you probably already know that he wrote Rocky. But did you know where the story came from and how it came about?
Sly, who always wanted to be an actor, was living in NY at the time. He wanted to act more than anything. He was so persistent that he had visited the agent's offices around NY six and seven times each. He finally got his first acting job because he wouldn't leave the guys office. After sitting all day waiting, he persisted in staying the night... he wasn't going to move without leaving with something. Well... the guy came back to the office the next day and gave him a job. He was in a movie for less than thirty seconds where he got beat up. If that isn't a sign of not being wanted I don't know what is... but Sly knew what he wanted. He knew his outcome. throughout this process, he was broke. He had no money and refused to get a job because he felt it would take away his hunger for achieving his dream. It got so bad, that he actually hawked his wife's jewelry... which inevitably was the end of their marriage. But the lowest point was when he had to try and sell his dog- His best friend in the world. He stood outside a liquor store trying to sell him, he couldn't take care of himself let alone his dog. Finally a guy offered him $20 for the dog. Sly didn't have much of a choice and took it.
Shortly after that, he's at home watching a fight between Muhammad Ali and some white guy named Wepner. Ali was beating this guy down, but Wepner just kept coming back, taking blow after blow, refusing to go down. He got an idea and started writing. He wrote Rocky in three days. He then started to try and get the movie produced. No one wanted it, they said it was too sappy, wasn't real, no one would want to see it... but Sly persisted. Finally he found two guys who loved the script and offered to buy it from him. But there was a catch, Sly wasn't selling the script without Him being the main character, Rocky. After much debate, they made a final offer of over two-hundred thousand dollars for him not to star in his own movie. Thats a lot of money for anyone, but we're talking about a guy who is practically living on the street, who frequents libraries just to stay warm. A guy who had to sell his best friend for twenty bucks so he could eat. Sly's response: not without me, I'm Rocky. So finally, they agreed and offered him $35,000 and points in the movie for him to play Rocky. So what do you think Sly did after that? He went back to the liquor store and hoped that the guy who he sold his dog to frequented the store. After three days, the guy came walking in. After the guy refused, because he liked the dog and it was his now... Sly continued to up the ante... and he wasn't going to stop until he got his dog. Sly ended up paying the guy $15,000 and a part in the movie to get his dog back. Pretty cool huh? It gets better... after they won the oscar for best picture, in his acceptance speech, Sly read what all the critics had said about the script, and why it wouldn't make it. Talk about sweet revenge... or karma... take your pick.

So as I was watching Rocky Balboa the other day, all I was thinking about was the trial and tribulation it took for Sly to get what he wanted. How I felt like I was watching in a lot of ways, an autobiography.

The next day I watched Invincible. (do you think I was needing some motivation?)
What I found interesting about these two stories (Sly and Vince) is that they both used the negative critic to achieve. That they were driven by the non-believers. They both had their support groups (Vince and his bar buddies, and Sly and his dog), but used the negative as fuel to create something positive.

As I sit here today, I don't know what my life will bring, but I hope that I can have a fraction of the drive, motivation, integrity, loyalty, humbleness and courage that these two individuals have shown. And regardless where I end up, I know that my path will be built on character. It will be God-willing, and I will be gracious in my endeavors. I just need the courage to continue to get back up after each life-altering blow I may receive.

Merry Christmas

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Its a time to rejoice, a time with family, a time of year where the world pauses, if only for a moment, to celebrate the birth of Christ.

this year, as I removed myself from the chaos and distractions of all that goes on this holiday season, I realized that today really isn't completely about Jesus at all. Its about us. It is about you and I. Jesus was and continues to be our gift, our promise from God. We are His children, and as John 3:16 states, He gave us His son, so that we could have eternal life. How the familiarity of that verse becomes amazingly mundane, but still rings true with excitement.

Think of it this way. Although I don't have any children in my family at the moment, I did have an opportunity to see it through my work...just a glimpse... but.. Think about when you celebrate Christmas with young children. If you were to ask any young child what they're excited about, what would their response be? They look forward to the presents. They get excited about the packaging, tearing it off with anticipation just to see what hides beneath. And you can just see the excitement exuded from them. Its infectious... and it gives us, the giver, joy to see that. God is our giver, and we are the young children receiving the gift. He delights in giving to His children... He gets the ultimate reward in giving, and we get everlasting life through the sacrifice of His son.

Today, as I celebrate the birth of our Savior, I lift up a praise of thanks for this wonderful gift I've been given.

Merry Christmas!

Only a Man

I love this song. I can't stop listening to it. And well... a repost is in order. I hope you enjoy the lyrics as much as I do.

I used to live my life in fear, was worried all the time
From waking up to lying down, I had no peace of mind.
The world became a darkened place, a struggle without end
Although bitter times those were, the days that I became to understand
I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church with questions in my mind
And turned my back and ran away from God who gave me light
Then one night, his presence fell, I wept and shook and then
I fell down and cried dear Jesus rescue me again
I understand I am only a man

And He said:

What will it be now?
Will you choose me or keep swimming upstream now?
I've been inside your head hearing you scream out
Well here I am just take my hand and
I'll take out all of the pain and all of the fear
All of the fear

I give you my burdens

I'll give you peace

All of my desires

I'll give you what you need.

And what about these chains Lord

I'll set you free

But they're so heavy

Lay them at my feet.

I'll lay them at Your feet
Just promise You won't leave

I'll never leave

So where do I go from here Lord?

Just follow me, Just follow me.

I'll follow You, wherever You lead
Wherever You lead..

Stillness

I sit here. I'm forcing myself to sit here, to think, to reflect, to try and have it make sense. I don't want to. What I want to do is something else, anything else. I want something to do or I want nothing. Its odd, how when you're required to face something you didn't think was going to happen -- you have two desires. How opposite those things are, one is to fill your day with so much that you don't think about it, the other, to sit and do absolutely nothing. Create emptiness, because for some reason it's the only thing that makes sense. I'm choosing to do what's uncomfortable. I sit here in reflection, understanding that its just a bend in the road, that the song isn't over. I'm hoping that this pause will only last a moment -- because in the moment I'm currently living in, it already feels too long.

"...sigh..."

Time, I shake my fist at you because you've seem to have gotten the better of me. I beat you once, I forced your hand... and you stopped. That day was mine. This day belongs to you. I submit to you with grace. With that I accept your challenge. I will wait for the right moment... perhaps after the strike of midnight, I will find a glass slipper, but tonight... tonight is not that night.

Tonight, however, is that bend in the road which becomes a corner I must take. It will be a turn in the right direction. That direction is up. You don't find 'up" on a compass, its not north, but directly up... heavenly up. Its amusing that we must find the foundation of which we stand above us. But He is my rock, my... everything. I know in my heart, He holds the interests of the ones I Care so much about, as well as my own... above all earthly things. He has a way of taking the worldly desire out of focus... and bringing the lens back to Him. Tonight he does this with the emphasis on improvement, the emphasis on taking a step towards Him. I do this without hesitation.

Tomorrow I will begin to wait. In honor, in respect, in reverence, and in love. I will wait because He has provided a trailer for the real thing. I've been given a preview of what may come. So I wait, oddly enough with a sense of urgency. I wait because it is His will... and waiting is an opportunity grow, to prepare, and to love.

I will be still.

Influence

As a personal trainer, it became very clear to me that for my client to be successful, he or she needed a strong social support system. This system would have to reinforce my clients goals and desires through continued motivation for perseverance. What I witnessed more often than not, was that the system that was in place actually provided the opposite of what was needed. That social system that appeared to be encouraging in the beginning, reeled its head and became an area of destruction. After giving it further thought, I came to the understanding that fear was keeping this support system from being supportive.

there is an aspect within our social stratosphere that keeps us from growing. Many individuals will keep from making a decision that benefits them greatly, because it will have considerable affect on their social environment. Through development and growth or by success we will enter into new social systems. Either by default, or by choice. Whether that is a perceived development or actual, at this level, it really doesn't matter. This is an active choice we make, because we desire something greater. the other, which has the same actions or tools in which we find our vehicle for success has another twist. We all of the sudden have a lack of support system. Our closest friends, the ones we share our lives with will show a lack of support. Sometimes by steering us in another direction through guilt, other times by just slowly removing themselves from the picture. the kicker is this: the message is sent telling us its our fault. because WE'RE changing, and because I MAKE THE DECISION which will in my eyes better my life, my situation, etc, etc... I am at fault for the failing social relationship.

People (in general) are afraid of change, afraid of the unknown. If someone close to me is embarking on an amazing journey of self-discovery. I may be afraid that their discovery won't involve me. My fear resonates with the unknown possibility of me being taken out of the picture. All of the sudden my world is changing, and I don't want it to change.

I believe this happens because of the comfort we find ourselves in, and a selfish outlook of oneself. I wouldn't ever discourage someone from following their heart, their desires because it might mean that I would see them less, or because they would be less involved in my life. but people do. I would not stand in the way of success because I care first for the person and second for myself. Why should I hinder growth. why should I not be happy and encourage someone for striving for greatness.
It happens because in this world we live in, we are selfish. We look out for number one, we find ways to cut corners, to get ahead regardless of who we hurt or who makes the sacrifices for us. Why should I care? I mean really... C'mon... they made the decision, if I can benefit from it, why don't I? I deserve this or that... I want this...

We get so focused on our own wants, our own worldly things that when someone else succeeds we feel that it should have been us. that is why, when we have a friend who is successful, we celebrate in part because we want them to celebrate our successes. Its and interesting world we live in.

How can we be more selfless. How can we be more giving, more supporting? More challenging of the ones we love? By stepping away from the mirror, and washing ourselves from the selfishness that emanates within ourselves we can begin to give. I will always strive to support and honor and challenge and celebrate without hesitancy. Those of you who know me, know this through and through...Not that I won't make mistakes, or I won't struggle from time to time... but I expect that you will hold me accountable for my actions and my motives as I will challenge all of you to do the same.

Repetition

Repetition is the mother of skill. Through practice we develop certain skills that help foster talent. But the great thing about the development process, is that we are allowed to make mistakes, learn from them, and move forward with new opportunities. Opportunities that will lead to greatness...

Lately I've had to field some question on the history of my relationships. The most interesting part of this is that under quote-on-quote "normal" circumstances, these things don't necessarily come up. The question of the previous-said slash previous-feeling is somewhat new to me. And honestly I bring it on myself. Although I feel I come by it honestly, I get it. I do, I get it. How can I be sincere, how is it that certain feelings can appear repetitious? How can the excitement of something new come across in a manner that appears to be so much more?

I'll just pose one question to you before I go on. Have you ever in your experiences felt you were in love, and then in retrospect realized that it was masked by some other emotion or feeling? Or perhaps you thought you were traveling down one road only to realize you were on a completely different one, in a completely different place?

Personally, I haven't ever used the term without being in complete congruence of the definition. Even after looking back, I can honestly say that when I decided to love, it was true, it was honest. BUT, I have looked back at some relationships that I thought were headed in that direction and realized I had been fooled. I had been crawling through some desert long enough that the mirage looked real. Dramatic I know... but I think once we experience something great, we can't wait to find it again.

So... back to the issue :) I walk into anything new with fresh eyes. No lingering pain, no hesitation, no fear of getting hurt. I approach every relationship with one primary vision, and that is to view this person as a sister in Christ. And to provide the opportunity to develop into what God has planned for me. In the past, I have confused this desire for something great with the process of learning about someone. And although I hate to admit, I have made mistakes. I will always choose to fail over not trying. Can you fault me for that?

I'm starting to ramble... the point is this: I learn from my mistakes. Yes, I've said and felt things that have passed. Some faster than others. But what I am now realizing is how lack-luster those things were. Not to take any of it away from the relationship, but there is a reason those are history... and will stay that way. I've found that through self reflection and devotion, that none of this will compare to the woman God has prepared for me. What is important is that He has prepared my heart for someone special. He has done this primarily through the mistakes that I have made. I cannot regret, for it has brought me to something wonderful, something beautiful. It has brought be to today. But if I do not learn from those experiences, my wheels sit spinning.

My desire is to move forward. To grow, to be challenged, to create, to love and to be loved. I desire greatness. Greatness for myself and the person God will provide for me. Through the repetition of my failures, I have found what I have always desired. And through those mistakes God has helped shape me. He has shown me resilience and patience, and creativity in otherwise mundane circumstances. I truly believe that the 'mistakes' that I have been granted have prepared me for someone special, someone I hope to spend my life with, someone I desire to create in her all the things she provides for me...

Where We Go From Here...

"Anger and Resentment can stop you in your tracks. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life it swallows and smothers. Its real though...the fury... even when it isn't, it can change you, turn you, mold you and shape you into someone you're not.

The only upside to Anger then, is the person you become. Hopefully, someone that wakes up someday and realizes they're not afraid of its journey. Someone that knows the truth is at best a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits. And in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm..." ~The Upside of Anger

In tough times of life we find what we are really made of.
Isn't it interesting how we seem to grow most from and learn most from our so called failures. We may see them as a step backwards, but God may see it as a step in the direction he'd like us to be. We get angry, upset, and experience a flurry of mixed emotions. We are challenged. We are challenged by ourselves and those we interact with. I've experienced little anger...in fact, a little is still lingering, however, I think its helped me to realize some things. . . .

The trial is a test of your faith, character, and endurance.
This adversity has dropped in my lap to challenge me, strengthen me, sharpen me, keep me fresh...keep me alive and active and growing. It is pushing me to be my best...to test my faith, character, and endurance. This is an opportunity for promotion. Without the resistance of air, an eagle can't soar. Without the resistance of water, a ship can't float. Without the resistance of gravity, I can't even walk.

Adversity often pushes us into our divine destiny.

Watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Leadership

As I dive further and further into my own leadership style...if you would like to call it that...I'm learning that the deeper I dive, the more I must rely on God. What I mean is, that He has shown us time and time again what leadership is and should be, and how our work is affected by it. For example, the Bible does not give priorities on the various types of stewardship or work. In fact, most of the heroes in the Bible are people called to secular vocation. To piggy back on the writings of Dennis Bakke, he highlights a few things in terms of our work: (1) in seeking holiness and honoring God, we are called both to steward resources to serve people's physical needs and also to spread the story of redemption and other teachings of Jesus. While we as church goers may place an emphasis on evangelical association, little evidence bears that this is a higher calling than the work of managing his creation. (2) Nothing is more important than a person's coming into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. (3) Being called to work in a secular organization is no better or worse than being called to work in a church, a para-church org. or an institution run by Christians. God may call us to work for Him in any of these settings, regardless of our occupation and particular talents. (4) If I see my work as a mission for God, my attitude and behavior at work are likely to change in a markedly positive way.

People often shift into positions of "sacred" from "secular" by operating their own nurseries, schools, social services, and charities. By doing so, they are inadvertently aiding those who would keep the church out of the public square. They should be encouraged to switch back or to maintain their position in these secular schools and companies where their faith may have a bigger impact.

"give something back" is another phrase thrown around by business leaders. It is a concept as flawed as "success to significance." Giving something back assumes I took something I should have while working. Certainly this would not be the case if I saw my business as God intended it, a stewardship ministry to serve the needs of others and, in the process, my needs as well. Stewarding resources to meet needs of others is a legitimate "giving" activity. "giving back" is relevant only if I have misappropriated and mismanaged the resources I have been given to steward.

The creation story does not assign people, even leaders, the responsibility of "managing" other people. The Bible says that people are to have dominion over the animals and plants. It encourages humans to act as stewards for the world we live in. It does not, however, encourage us to dominate other people. It never classifies people as "resources." The Bible does endorse leadership. What is the difference? Biblical leadership requires those in authority to serve the people they lead. Leaders do whatever it takes to allow followers to use their talents effectively. Thus, good leaders delegate decisions and create an environment in which others can manage God's world. God allowed human kind ot make the ultimate decision of life. He gave us the choice to acknowledge and follow God or to reject Him. We were created in God's likeness as moral beings with the ability to reason, make decisions, and be held responsible for the consequences.

So...how does this all transfer into organizational decisions in the "secular" world? This is very difficult to understand. There is a dilemma of a leader who, on one hand, is given authority over the entire organization and, on the other, is supposed to refrain from making decisions that others in the organization can make. Leaders do have the authority to make all decisions and direct all actions. Leaders are responsible for all that goes on within the organization. There is, however, no requirement that leaders make all or even most of the decisions for which they have authority. God could certainly control His creation through micromanagement, but he chose to delegate most decisions to us. Where God tends to take action is on matters of morality and questions of right and wrong. Shouldn't we follow His lead when we decide which decisions to make and which to delegate? God created humans in His image. We are to be creators like Him. I do not believe He meant that most important decisions should be left to Himself or to human leaders acting on His behalf. God wants us to enjoy our work just as He did.

If any of the previous has bothered you...or you may find it objectionable, I respect that. But you must understand first why I feel this way, and second where it comes from. I place my highest importance upon my relationship with God. Even though I struggle to keep it a priority in my life, it does not alter the importance I have placed upon it.

I believe that leadership begins first with serving others. By serving others, we begin to serve ourselves. There is no better example than giving. Most people enjoy giving a gift and receiving a joyous reaction from the receiver. Much more than just receiving a gift. At least thats what I truly enjoy....the giving...what i receive by giving far outweighs any gratitude I may feel for a received gift. I believe we need to practice this giving in our leadership opportunities. Allow a person to succeed...or even fail. They have been allowed to grow in the process, and we can help guide them. But not make decisions for them at the same time.

Being a leader means to provide and example, and to provide and environment for growth. And to give the opportunities for others as they need or desire. We have been programed since our first day of school to do what is told...we need to get out of the box and let our people make decisions that matter....allow them to grow from it...and allow our companies (however, or whichever it may be) to experience more success and growth because of it. And that is what will bring joy to our workplace. That is what will add meaning to otherwise meaningless tasks we find ourselves in daily.

Movie Night

So...most of you who know me, know that I'm a sap...I mean, there are few times when watching any movie where I haven't cried! We all know I'm a sucker for love stories....but last night I went the the Exorcism of Emily Rose.

I loved it...I mean it had its moments that made you jump...but towards the end of the movie, i was unexpectedly in tears. Go figure...I go to some horror flick to end of crying. but the thing is...it really wasn't that much of a horror flick, at least what I took from it. The movie is based on the story of Emily Rose; her demonic possession and the fight between good and evil taking place within her. At some point in the movie, Emily is given the opportunity to leave her body and enter into heaven or to stay on earth, knowing she would suffer greatly, but in doing so would bring others to God.

What really hits home is, I hope that if I were in a similar position, I would have the strength to do the same thing. To walk the walk...to know the outcome, something that I wouldn't want, and yet continue to endure whatever pain for the greater good...for God.

In my heart I think I could...but my head challenges my idealism.

Morals and beliefs only mean something when its inconvenient...not when convenience paves a path for them to stand upon.

Brown Penny

"Romantic" by definition is "imaginary but impractical, visionary". . . has romance left the scene, is it something that is often referred to in a past tense, something not of this age? Is it something in this day in age where any gesture would fall under ridicule simply because the mere impression of it lacks integrity or is it that we are so caught up in our day to day business...that we fail to enjoy the simple things we so easily overlook. I'm thinking of this in a very broad sense of course, however, I would consider myself a person who may fall within this category. I sometimes I wonder if the current day has catered so much to the immediate gratification that some of the magic has been lost.

I'm beginning to wonder if this rant has a point....

...honestly I don't know...should it? What I do know is things don't seem as simple as they once were. We live in a cynical world so full of "HR" the mere idea of the possibility of offending people seems to ruffle so many feathers that rarely are any chances taken. I don't want to send the impression that the HR portion of our world in useless or not needed...it is. But what I'm getting to is that the world that has so many possibilities...so much "vision," a place where impractical becomes reality...that often times we don't take chances..we don't step outside our box. We hesitate, we don't say what we mean. We keep it inside. Romance often leads to the stepping out...the chances we take...especially when it comes to love.

It seems that we can't truly experience what love has to offer unless we first experience the hurt, and at the same time allow ourselves to heal so that we can begin the journey once more. Or, we seem to time and time again sabotage those relationships that could mean something because of a fear. Because it may be too good to be true.

I whispered, "i am too young,"
and then, "I am old enough;"
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love

"Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair."
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love.

Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

Shepherdship

At Hope today, leadership was the topic... or rather shepherdship.

We are sheep, we are lost and confused without a shepherd. As a Christian I am akin to one of the dumbest animals known throughout history. Many of us are shepherds in our lives in the organizations we find ourselves a part of. I was forced to look into the mirror today, in how and why I choose to lead. To be a leader or shepherd is an extremely selfless endeavor. If (and this is where I think I have been challenged in the past, and I think is a natural struggle for those of us who strive for success) we choose to lead we must consistently bury our needs beneath those we are leading. If we are truly going to be a shepherd for others, being humble and giving are two qualities, I think are necessary. The moment it becomes about us, about a position, about trying to become an image or collect a paycheck is the moment where we become extremely limited in our ability to lead; especially as Christians. And when that purpose for leading is focused on our own endeavors, we negate all we've worked for and we begin to destroy the flock for which we oversee.

I cannot admit that I lead with this purpose all of the time. I can honestly say that as I have matured, my focus has remained upon those I've been asked to lead more often than not. That remains a challenge for me to continually keep others first. I must consistently put myself second or third or forth...

In a society where we preach to "take care of number one" we lose sight of any real purpose. Our focus becomes worldly, and we become victims of our own choices.

I have a friend whom amazes me. This friend works for a Christian organization where she is continually challenged and continually giving. Her approach and passion for true shepherdship is inspiring to me. I can only hope that when I look in the mirror every night, that when reflecting upon my day, I can say... I was a shepherd. I lead today by taking care of others. When that joy of giving envelopes me like a warm blanket, I need to refocus so that I will be allowed to repeat it again... knowing that God's work is never done.

I need to be a vehicle for His purpose.
I can only hope I have the courage and the strength to do so.

Karma

karma

I swear, it must be karma.

Today, I got the opportunity to hear one of my favorite michael jackson songs hours before I expected to get up. How lucky am I?!?
Let me tell you...

It was a call to let me know that another store, not mine, was not open. Not only that, there was no one to be seen. No one who could open the doors anyway. So after a couple phone calls, I dragged myself out of bed, called my store to let them know I would be heading to another location... and off I went.

I walked into a mad-house. The keys were dropped in my hands with a "thanks" ...and the store was mine for a day. I look around, there are two employees, both new, both pretty green. I rushed back, put myself back into the computer and headed out into the madness. From about 7am to around 1:30 we were without any downtime, on top of it, I was in the process on scheduiling interviews, making drinks, brewing coffee, training, finding coverage for the afternoon, and lets not forget taking questions from my store. Essentially, I felt like I was on a tilt-a-whirl.

It was productive though. Through all of this, I got 4 people hired... one for my store, two for the mad-house, and one for another store. Found people to work for the day and the upcoming weekend... because the schedule had too many gaps to even try opening the store.

I walked out around 5pm.... looking back with a half smile, knowing i'm one more day closer.

I'm telling you... Karma.

Back to the Future

its official. In a matter of days I will no longer be working for caribou coffee. For those of you who do not know, I have accepted a position with eq-life. Excited is an understatement. But if I wasn't anxious before.... let me give you a small recap of my last couple of days:

For starters, I opened the store yesterday. Another day started bright and early--sometime around the hour of four. After scraping myself off of my pillow, and stumbling into the shower, I found myself setting up the store for our wonderful caffeine addicted customers.

"I have to leave by 12...." one of my sup's started to tell me. After an explanation somewhat drawn out, knowing that I would be in the store even though I wasn't scheduled to be, we came to the conclusion that it would be okay if she left 3 hours early.
"What a weird shift.... ....but i'm off by 10..." another supervisor proclaimed out loud an hour later. "Huh? ...you're here until one!" I fired back. We both made a bee-line to the schedule. After realizing she was incorrect, she explained to me her circumstance based around the shift she thought she worked, we came to the same conclusion of the previous situation.

In my head I'm thinking it will be fine. We really only need two people here anyway, and they might as well leave since I'm here. Well, it turns out, that everything that I had expected to get done, didn't. And on top of it.... I had to re-train a team member on how to make drinks in the middle of a rush because of customer disapoints. Without going into great detail on the rest of the day, my 'easy-day-in-the-back-room-allowing-me-to-get-some-things-done' quickly turned into a crazy, stressful, long twelve hour day.

Which brings me to today....

As I'm rubbing my eyes, wondering why I'm hearing smooth criminal at ten after five, I answer my phone. Someone is late... my shift is asking if its okay to go in. Of course I'm going to say yes. As I tell her to go look at the schedule and make the appropriate phone call, I'm already anticipating re-entering the dream I was pulled out of so quickly.

"...I'm beginning to hate this song" I think as I roll over 20 minutes later. "yeah" I say almost as if I'm expecting the call. What is the purpose of a phone call to the store manager at 5:40 in the morning to communicate that a machine might be broke. I don't get it...

I know I love this song, but now its starting to feel a little over played! Why?!? Why are they calling me so much this morning? This time, its another person. Telling me he's sick and can't find anyone. my response: if your sick... gotta take care of yourself... do what you need to do..." I hang up. As I crawl out of the shower, I notice I've missed yet another call. There is a message... this one is saying that I don't need to come in, someone has agreed to come in. I crawl back in bed.

Next thing I know its sometime after eight. I finish getting ready and go into work. I get there to find out that the person covering can't be there for the entire shift. I also realize that if I hadn't hired someone yesterday, we'd be in worse shape. Needless to say, more training today... and another long one in the books.

As I slide into the drivers seat I think to myself: November 6, can't come soon enough.

C.H. Part II

coffee house update...

Remember the employee with the thank you card?
she stopped in caribou looking for me today. I happened to
just walked in to ensure all was good, when I turn around, and WHAM!
"hey!..." she started. Apparently she was still upset about walking
out on me. And is working for her old boss at another location.
I'm just glad its not mine... but seriously... like I told her:
water under the bridge.

And I might as well throw in for good measure...

I absolutely love getting 27 calls a day. My favorite ones have to do with...
"what do I do if.... " Pick your senario, it could end with: the safe is off, or
a customer is unhappy, or someone didn't show up on time, or what if I can't work....
It seems endless, most of which can be figured out without a phone call to yours
truely. Not that I don't appreciate it. But seriously people. You're smart, your driven,
thats why I hired you. Now go prove it....

(disclaimer to previous rant: does not apply to everyone who works in my store)

Coffee House

There is something to be said for coffee drinkers. I myself, am not one. I get it though, the addiction, the social aspect, even having it be the official start to any day. And since I've been in charge of this coffee shop, I've seen many things, many different people in many situations. There are people who come in multiple times a day, the customer who will order the same drink 21 times a week...

But a few my most interesting times there have involved:

Ray-bans: Forget the black sunglasses he didn't take off the entire interview, this guy not only referred to himself in the third person, but also told me all about how his parents met, and why that somehow related to him working for caribou....
I haven't seen him wear those sunglasses since the day of the interview...three months ago.

drama queen: I had an employee walk out and not come back except to give us all cards, including a birthday card in which she wrote to me: "...please remember me for the card and not me quitting..." The kicker was that she decided she wanted to come back two days later. "Under my conditions" she stated, as she's telling me how much she'd like to work for me again. Needless to say, I haven't seen her since.

Help Desk: Caribou has what they call a help desk. You call when you have an issue, and they are supposed to fix it. Well, I'm on a first name basis with most of those helpers. Not because I don't know what I'm doing, but because I've spent the last two months entering our "off-line" credit cards manually. I hate being off-line. To say the least, i've used some choice words lately...

Ether way, There is something every day... I'll tell you about yesterday later.

Three Wonderful Words

Three words. No more no less. We dance around them, we're afraid of them, yet at the same time we long to hear them. And when we do, its music to our ears. When we realize that we love someone, trying to find the best way to say it, or the right time seems to be as ever elusive as the "perfect" person. But thats what is so funny. Because when we realize we're in love, is when we realize that the person we want to tell is, well, perfect. At least perfect for us. That person that seems to balance us out, cover our weaknesses, somehow change our perspective to realize what life could be... or at least find its meaning. The thing is this: we don't love the people we love because they're perfect. We love the people we love because they are.

We say it too much, we don't say it enough, we long to hear it, we're afraid of what it could mean... all of this energy spent on trying to understand the most simple, yet most complex emotion known as love. Some people fall easy, others more guarded and spend more time trying to analize every moment, every feeling, wanting to be sure. Sometimes it passes us by, other times it slams into us like a sixteen-wheeler at full bore. There are no rules, there is no manual or how-to for love. Every story is in itself unique and its own way, amazingly breathtaking.

Real love, true love has no limits. It will wait, it will forgive, it will last for eternity. It will give everything for its survival, for its longevity, for an opportunity to grow further. Its generousity will give when it has nothing to give.... it will especially give time.

So when I think about saying those three words: I love you. For me it isn't momentary, it isn't something fleeting. its something real... its something I desire to uphold, to share, to encourage, to create...

...and to celebrate

Moments

What are we defined by? Is it our accomplishments? The things that we do for others to see? Do we perform in ways in public which define us? Is it how we want to be perceived or is it something more? The more that I'm thinking about... at least I'm beginning to think it is are much smaller moments. Moments of truth, behind the doors away from those we want to impress, in the shadows where we are most vulnerable, to those who know us, or those we want to know us. The look in someone's eye. Their breath on your neck. The way you feel when the one you love smiles. These small seemingly unimpressive moments define who we shall be. Away from the cameras and out of the spotlight. Celebrity in a lot of ways is fictional. It is the mask for the general public to buy into or at the very least to believe in. And I know there are some extremely wonderful leaders with great renown... but that all started with something small. Some momentary truth to guide them. A commitment to an idea or vision, the realization that by themselves they stand still... that no man is an island. What are those defining moments? What do we expect of ourselves? What sparks the growth? The challenge? The motivation?

I realized close to ten years ago that I had a desire to be seen a certain way. For example; I wanted others to see me as "a good christian boy". So, I would choose to read my bible where others could see me... and not only that, but where they would have to see me. I came to terms that what I was doing and what I was portraying were contradicting. And at that moment, decided that any time in study would be behind closed doors--to ensure that my purpose was not jaded. That was hard for me to do... because growing up, so much of what you want is to be perceived one way or another.

I've approached my relationships the same way. Knowing I want true love, I will not settle or allow mediocrity. It takes a lot for me to face the truth about a relationship, and realize whether its "good for now" or really 'the one". There is comfort in companionship; in having someone by your side. I've had to really dig deep when faced with a comfortable-companion vs. the-love-of-my-life-that-will-take-me-places-never-imagined.

So what moments really define us? I think its the small, little, unannounced moments that take us places we want to be. It's the decisions we make behind closed doors that make us extraordinary and one to be reckoned with. It's the moment when you look into a lover's eyes and know without saying that there is no other place in the world you'd rather be. I know what moments make or break my day---little does it have to do with perception. The make or break happens in the congruency of my reflection. It happens when I look into the eyes of the person I admire most. When I see a smile of someone I long for. These are the moments worth living... They are the definition of who we are and what we value.

Dreaming with a hoping heart

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
The waiting becomes the hardest part
Suddenly the calendar becomes a measurement
Where timing plays the part of commitment

Is she really here with me?
Does she desire what I will be?
No she doesn't, because she can't
she's afraid, she's scared, she's hesitant

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
And waiting on love is the hardest part
Caught between pushing on and turning away
Intentions to guard my heart become the only way

Is she really here with me?
Does she desire what I will be?
No she doesn't, because she can't
She's afraid, she's scared, she's hesitant

Walking the line between being broken and being completely fulfilled.
Its a walk of faith, one only of the strong-willed.
While my heart is at odds with conventional wisdom
She wants nothing but to experience some freedom

Falling asleep only to wake up with more question
Waking up afraid of what things to mention
Do I have to fall asleep with hope-filled hands?
Is it something that I can continue to withstand?

When you're dreaming with a hoping heart
The waiting becomes the hardest part.

Wolf

Apparently, I'm a wolf. Ya'll think it fits?

The rugged wolf is athletic, good-looking and brims with self-confidence. A close relative of the domestic dog, it is stronger and more aggressive, managing to generate notoriety wherever it marks its territory. The wolf's dark reputation is mainly due to jealousy of its consistent success in work and romance. A wolf in full stride is quite impressive. Firing orders at subordinates while on the phone to customers -- no one can get the job done quite as efficiently as the wolf.

With an innate understanding of the value of teamwork, it's always ready to take its place in the chain of command -- either as leader or as simply a member of the pack. When a wolf decides to innovate, it makes sure that it has the backing of a capable team. In many ways, President Bush is an example of a wolf who owes much of his success to his team of lawyers, advisors, and supporters. This wolf is clear-headed and strong-minded -- always willing to compromise in the interests of getting a job done.

The wolf insists on fidelity from its mate, but even after its partner has sworn its devotion, the wolf must battle its canine hormones that drive it to distraction. On the positive side of the ledger, the wolf makes a gallant effort to remain faithful; satisfying its haunting need for romance through its strong platonic friendships. (At least that's what we're told) Deep down though, the wolf is still a puppy dog and its controlled exterior often masks a sentimental emotional core.

Wolves are facially expressive and readily communicate their emotional states with body language. They work hard at developing their social relationships, although, unlike their cousin the dog, they are quick to anger when they sense threats to the social order. When confrontations occurs, they sometimes react suddenly and violently, barking displeasure at offending subordinates. Close companions know to avoid their biting tongue until they resume their normal gregarious behavior.

Friendly and generous with those they consider to be peers, they have a tendency to show scant regard to those beneath them on the food chain. Sheep, deer, cottontails, prairie dogs and other small mammals are thus advised to show them appropriate respect, or risk being overwhelmed by their aggressive natures.

The wolf pulls no punches when communicating with its peers, for there is nothing that a wolf detests more than a yes-man. The truth must be told and damn the consequences. Those unable to handle its steely straightforward style are quickly relegated to the rear of the pack, while those who demonstrate courage are allowed to run alongside. Lions, eagles, wild dogs, tigers and bears are among the wolf's first choices as teammates in the race of life.

www.animalinyou.com/survey.asp

Measuring our days...

We run out of it; there never seems to be enough. It goes too fast, too quick. We gage our lives by how we spend it, and by what we do with it. Sometimes it drags on and sometimes it feels as if it doesn't even exist. We punch the clock, we complain and compare, we long for more. It sits as the ultimate measuring stick--moment by moment we watch it pass, sometimes in the blink of an eye, and sometimes at a snails pace.
But the great thing about it is this: We all have the same amount, we all are granted no more or no less than the next person. its this concept of time. The idea that there aren't enough hours in the day. We get too much sleep... or more often too little. All the while watching the minutes pass and more often than not, hitting the snooze button, hoping the minutes last a little longer.
We take long walks and we share moments of excitement. We stand in each others arms hoping that the moment won't pass, that time will stand still. These are the moments where we wonder where the time went. Why couldn't it slow down, why does it feel so... so... short.
The second hand ticks away, minutes turn to hours, hours to weeks... before we know it, we are in another time and another place wondering where it all went. Yet in the same instant we dream of visions of the future, how we can't wait to get there, to experience the joy we long for and dream of.
Its funny, this concept of time. We are guided by the watch on our wrist, the clock by our desk, and how long it may take to get to point B. We rush through this life longing for connection, but almost afraid to enjoy it... afraid to take it all in. And if we do... we're almost always criticized for enjoying the moment -- that is without rushing to experience the next.

The most interesting thing about this is: I look in the mirror as a write this.

damn cherries

part of me can't believe I'm still awake. I'm so spent... I've had a day like no other. hmmm... How about I start with last night:

So as I was driving home last night from softball. It was quite late, right around 11:30 p.m. I'm so tired, I just can't wait to get home so I can curl up under those welcoming sheets! As I sit at the stoplight I see the light change from green to yellow to red. I start to creep forward. I can just feel my head hitting the pillow! But it doesn't change... What's taking so long! In the three seconds it takes for my light to turn green, all my thoughts are consumed with trying to get as much sleep as possible! while I'm envisioning a deep, restful, 4 hour sleep, a police officer pulls up behind me. All of this is happening as I'm creeping into the intersection in my hurry to get home.
The light turns green... FINALLY!



As I'm turning, I realize that the car behind me looks an awful like a police vehicle (I notice by the blinker of all things). I think "it can't be!" I start looking in all my mirrors, searching for telling proof that my assumptions are correct... to my dismay... they are :( So I begin to think that he couldn't possibly pull me over for the anticipation of a green light in the middle of the night... on a dead street. After following for approximately .72 miles, I suddenly become blinded by the cherries flashing in my rear view mirror. "shit." is all I can think... as a flurry of other thoughts flood my mind. As I pull over, looking for my wallet I become even more blinded by that damn spotlight. And if thats not bad enough, he proceeds to do further damage to my pupils as he shines his flashlight into my eyes... so I can't see a thing. I mean give me a break! He then asks me a series of questions that involve my plates/license and of course South Dakota. After the barrage of questioning ceases, he takes my DL back to the squad car. As I wait, thoughts of my pillow begin to overwhelm me once more. If it weren't for that damn blinding flashlight flashing in my mirrors as he walked back, he would have found me with my eyes closed. As I turn, squinting and adjusting to the blinding light yet again, he begins to ask another set of questions. All pertaining to my recent state of complete exhaustion. Have I been drinking? Am I on any medications? Any drugs? Are you sure? Yes I'm sure... No drugs, no alcohol.. I'm tired!! He then thrusts something that looks like a pipe connected to some black box into my face and tells me to blow... to ensure that I haven't been drinking... "keep blowing..." he insists.. So I blow... and blow... and blow. How long do I have to blow?!? I start to wonder... then he says "okay" almost in a disappointment. He should be ecstatic that no alcohol was involved... but I guess the "I got you" mentality was to overcoming for him. At that moment I began to receive a lecture on how I shouldn't creep out into an intersection until the green light changes. Whatever..... Where's my pillow... blanket... ahhhh.... sleep!

"BEEP!---BEEP!---BEEP!" ... "BEEP!---BEEP!--BEEP!"
4:18 already. I can't sleep any later or else I'll be late. I'm already late too much as it is.... oh.. why can't I sleep in?!? As I drag myself out of bed... half asleep, I turn on my shower... "I got at least another 90 seconds before the water is hot... I lunge for my bed... any amount of time will be better than no more. 90 seconds? give it to me...I'm all over it. I dive face first into my pillow... so sweet it is!

"BEEP!---BEEP!---BEEP!" ... I didn't completely shut of my alarm and now its screaming: GET UP! over and over again... Alarms now have become the devil. I shuffle into the shower, hoping to wake me up...

I get to work, I, of course, am my always chipper self. How do I do it? Its like a disease? no matter how little sleep, gotta have energy... gotta be happy... I swear, I don't get myself sometimes! But I'm happy... and I'm trying to make it infectious without annoying. (is that even possible?) Its Sara and I, Molly comes into work around 6:15... Marnee around 7.
7:02 am, the phone rings.. its Marnee, she can't come in, sick kids---let the circus begin! The three of us work like ants to get through the morning rush, Sara thankfully stays an hour later... Molly cannot stay any later. At the same time in all of this, we have practically ran out of milk, we've called eagan to pick some up, but have no one to go get it. All the sudden there is some interviewee whom needs to shadow Marnee... who is not there. Guess who gets to get it? Me!!! Yahoo... on top of trying to do P&L, put away warehouse, finish the deposit, order milk, go get milk from another store, get ready to do a new employee orientation and find someone to come in to help... I get to be shadowed. Welcome to management. To be honest loved it! It was just crazy enough to be in control and exciting (if you can call it that...).

Fast forward through all the madness, and I've taken the deposit to the bank. gotten the receipts of our deposit for proof, started to run a few last errands. As Im doing them, I notice that one of our deposit bags has a rather large bulge. Thats strange...I wonder. But i look in there to find the entire deposit. The teller had managed to take a deposit, given me a receipt for that deposit, and given the money back. I like this guy... I better come in more often when he's working!!
I look at it... smile... and think: "is this a test or what..." as I count the $800 to ensure its all there, I think "I need to take this back, but who would know if I took it" but that thought was fleeting at best. I turned around and took the money back to mr. teller... explaining what I thought the mistake was... and getting a very grateful sigh of relief from him.

And now its well after 11.. almost 12... I've been up for 20 hrs or so... and well...I'm tired, but I get to sleep in tomorrow.... I don't have to wake up until 7:30!!! How I love, love, LOVE my bed!!!